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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in the "higirlsetsfire" journal:[<< Previous 20 entries]
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10:41 am
[Link] | I have an interview today for a job that starts at $11.25 an hour, at a place I like, and that is only a few blocks away. They have a store near Chris's house and near Geneseo, and mentioned having me transfer back and forth seasonally. I am so nervous.
If I get this job, I'll be making about 400 a week. I can register my new car, pay back some money I owe, and actually have money to drive this summer. I'm tired of being stuck up here. It's easy to get left out when you're far away.
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08:24 pm
[Link] | Friday - Went to see the Lyons, which is always nice and a first on my agenda. Went to Alyssa's with Zoey and met her show dogs, horses, chickens, ducks, and donkey. She works so hard to hold on to what she has, and it really hurts to think people with money are so often stereotyped as being undeserving, heartless, or fake.
Friday night, - Party at Nastro's. Tim pulled me aside and told me Chris was the real deal and a genuine guy. It's nice to know that Chris can still be himself around his friends, and that even if I take up a good part of his time, that they still appreciate him as a friend and easily welcome me into their groups.
Saturday night - I'd asked Evan too late, but Aric was free and Chris and I picked him up to go see 42nd Street. I got to see Jimmy, Dave, and Robbie. At the show, I saw Kenny and Anna and found out Anna wasn't going to know too many people at prom either, so we'll be third-wheeling together. Drove Aric home and stopped outside Valero to say hi to some people... and that took half an hour. We went to Taylor's afterwards, where I got directions from Chris' ex's best friend on where to walk through this huge piece of property to some party. Kate and Kelly came running out as Chris and I were heading over, and we all left to get Subway instead. AKA, we spent 2 hours in Kelly's car just chilling in a parking lot.
I just want to remember this for the summer. I want to remember these people, because they were genuine. There was no manipulation, no fakeness, no bragging to impress. I think I'm done with that.
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12:24 am
[Link] |
Knowing up here, there comes a fork in the road
My roommate and I slept in this morning. We both missed on what we planned to do and rolled on over. Roamed around for the fun of it, then did a group project on my own. I have that luck.
Zoey, the new edition to the family
( More.. )
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01:45 pm
[Link] | I'm ready to go home. I'm not learning anything. I'm just wasting money.
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11:42 pm
[Link] | I felt so useless this whole break. I paid for the household's food again. I paid for my housing deposit again (which is only a big deal because it means I'm paying for my tuition again). I did a load of my mom's laundry only to have her try and take my clothes again. I did everyone's dishes the whole week, and the meals that I paid for and made should have served 7-8 people with leftovers, but were gone before I even touched it. I know it sounds petty, but when food disappears on me as I'm in a rush out the door, it probably means I grab an overpriced meal on the road. Doing that every day while wasting money on groceries really adds up on a student budget.
Except for the gas money Jack gave me, I would have paid for everyone's gas, too.
I cleaned, did work, and handed money out all week. I didn't get to visit Florida even once. Natalia came over and I couldn't take her to do anything because I couldn't pay for anything. I wanted to go to Queens to see my grandparents, but I couldn't do that either. The only real conversation my mom and her husband had with me was about their doctor visit--He's getting brain scans and she's apparently had a heart attack. Following this conversation, there wasn't once I saw my mom in the next three hours that she wasn't smoking. Both of my real parents have had heart attacks. One's blamed me and I'm just waiting for them both to finally come to a mutual agreement on something.
I just wanted to see my friends over break. That's all I wanted.
Current Mood:  depressed
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03:05 pm
[Link] |
ahh need a dress for prom
 
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01:21 pm
[Link] | I feel pathetic. I'm really sick right now and just want to be home. I've been studying constantly and I'm already behind. I'm withdrawing from one of my classes and that's going to put me at 12 credits. I had five classes last semester and it was completely manageable. I don't know if it's the fact each of my teacher's are giving me about 100 text/online article pages a class to read, or the fact I've just been more stressed than usual.
Eh.
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01:54 am
[Link] | I feel a bit lost right now. The wrong people never leave me alone, and the right ones always disappear just as I finally get the chance to find them. I lost an earring from a pair my grandmother got me. I wear them to everything, and they're one of the few accessories I actually feel pretty wearing. It upset me more than I expected.
I should be asleep right now.
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10:44 pm
[Link] | I'm a little weary because I feel like a friend is trying to give me the responsibility of establishing their social life. I don't know what to do, but it's honestly hard enough for me to find the time and confidence for my own social life.
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11:09 am
[Link] | I have half my reading done until next weekend. :) I met this girl Alicia yesterday, and she asked me to go to the library with her and we did. We talked for a long time like we were old friends catching up on things. There's a list of people coming by MY ROOM to visit me today! Then at 6,I'm going to a class that has a pretty great roster. I stayed up late last night, listening to music outloud in my room, with my roommate and some friends and we all got some Chinese food. It's so amazing this semester.
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04:04 pm
[Link] | This has been such an amazing weekend. For the first time since I've been at Geneseo, I was able to have people over. In fact, I had a room full of people both nights, and even better yet--Chris and I could sleep here instead of freezing in the car or taking Brian or Luke's bed.
It was so stress-free.. I'm so taken aback by how big a difference a great roommate can make. Our room has been rearranged and there is a HUGE free space in front of our entertainment center. I can actually watch TV, movies, listen to music, play Wii, DDR , Guitar hero. We have the space to play board games, and for the first time, Lacy, Angela, Katherine-- everyone felt comfortable coming to my room. Nobody ever used to feel comfortable in here with my old roommate.
Our fridge is stocked and we're sharing everything. It's so nice. The best part is that our boyfriends basically want eachother.
Ohh, yay
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01:00 pm
[Link] | I think this semester is going to be a big improvement. The room looks awesome-- there is so much free space with the way it's rearranged. Someone moved out two doors down and someone else I know moved in. Kacie's awesome and it's really relieving to know I can have people visit me now, unlike with my last roommate. Katherine and Luke aren't back yet, but I'm dying to see them. I'm glad Lacy and Taimur are together this semester--it's a lot less 5th-wheeling that way.
Angela is going to make my day every day. I can just tell. The only thing that seems kind of bleh to me is my class list-- I've looked quickly at a few of the books I have to read and they either seem elementary or too politically charged (The classes I'm taking have a general focus around cultural evolution). I'm actually a little upset I won't have a science class this semester, and feel really awkward about going a year without math. The only class I could have fit in was statistics, and I've already taken that. :/
Ah. Well
Hoorah!
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11:22 pm
[Link] |
"You've got.. shit to offer. You've got no poetry, you've got no light. No one looking at you going,
"Damn... look at that. I want... some of what he's got." All you have is your anger." Today I made a sandwich on bread I bought discounted a week ago for being outdated. It got me thinking that making a comment about it would probably lead to a bunch of "you know, at least you have something to eat"s.
Did you think it? Maybe I would say something if I was put on the other side of this situation, but I'm pretty sure it'd be a less meaningful "Well, does it taste okay to eat?" I've stopped thinking beyond simple things like this lately, and now that I've realized that, I'll digress.
I thought [that if I chose to make a comment about my old bread ((and I also assumed stronger reactions from people who've been close to me in the last few weeks, months, etc., because strangers so often seem to be so much more welcoming))], that I certainly would get more "at least you have that bread" retorts from people who are secure in everything they need; people that should be very content with having the not-only-working-but-also-cute-cars, families that go on vacation... you know, aside from families in general...nice supplies and books for school... new sneakers whenever they feel like it, and the money to define whatever stereotype they decide to proclaim for themselves. I think that while being humbled by those with more than I have, I'd be receiving the genuine sympathy of those deeper in the rough than I see myself. I make fun of my car, sure. I've been to Europe, sure. Unlike many people, I know my real parents, and know an okay amount of my extended family.
But people don't realize I've never sought a car that wasn't a hand-me-down van from my parents. I've never expected my repairs and bills to be paid for. My traveling has been for growing up rather than vacationing away from life, and I never got odd sums of money to buy souvenirs like many children do when they go somewhere (I feel like that's something a lot of people take for granted about traveling). My sneakers had holes in the bottom of the soles all semester that literally suctioned water into the shoe. I chose cold feet because saving that 30 dollars meant an oil change for my car.
I know it sounds like I'm complaining because I am. The thing is, this is the first time I've thought to attempt envoking some sense of self-pity about each of these things. The truth -- it never really bothers me not to have nice objects until I feel like it invades in on my relationships, existing or potential. Thinking about a close-knit group in a poor community is more dreamlike to me than sad news; they're not lonely, they just don't gotta lotta money. But the well-off that are far from anyone who cares about them, I think those people are involuntary heart-breakers.
I often think of the group I like to call "the Extremists that attack the Other-Side Extremists." Now, on any issue, there will be a small-but-significant percentage on each side that firmly and fervently believes the water's farther down in the well than it really is. Then, there's a pretty prevalent percentage of individuals on the other side of each of these "extremists" that try to be broken mirrors-- They want to believe that the only thing the other side has to offer is the lunacy of the extremes, and they will do whatever they can to find the wrong behind enemy lines. Both sides believe they will save the world with change, or by going back to the way things were. The real problem is that nobody goes back to the drawing board anymore. I feel like the visions and dreams people have... all these "Passionates" on every side of every issue are all just drowning themselves out with stale ideas. Even if the idea had potential, the general masses are desensitized to everything. We say we're in the internet age, with thousands of websites on one topic available within seconds of a keyword search, but all we're really doing is playing a steroided game of "Telephone." If we're not just repeating what we heard, we're just misunderstanding something. Sometimes I think the Passionates just don't genuinely care--that they're in it for the game. Then I think the people who really do care, their passions have burned out--their ideas are bright but nobody listens to the novel anymore. It might take too much time and energy to understand, and the Passionates don't really want to wait until after their lifetime for world peace.
"You just got to make it look like it was their idea, like they're the ones that thought of it. They need to feel like they're the great ____________. Like it was theirs to give in the first place. Let'em have it. I mean, if that's all it takes, let them have it. "
I think my real thought here is that I don't want to be the kind of person that humbles anyone else; that settles her perspective because someone else's is agreeable--or argues everything that disagrees with my first-assumed position; that assumes the well's run dry; and forgets (or chooses not to) go back to the drawing board.
I'm sorry if this was a difficult, or not worth-while read. I'm very tired.
Current Mood:  okay
Tags: food, issues, kennedy, life, money, passion
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10:35 am
[Link] | My mom's losing her job. Not only do I pay for Chris and myself to eat, but my mom and her husband eat half the groceries I buy. I put too much money into a car that was given to me by my dad, just to have it taken away by someone who thinks everything belongs to him.
I had to leave in the middle of a snowstorm because I was too scared to be at home. The next day, I went to work with Chris because he was my only ride home later, and my mom called out because of the roads. The roads were fine, but she insisted it was still snowing.
When I got home, there was MAYBE an inch and a half in the places I had cleared the snow the night before. There's no way it was still snowing.
She's down to 3 days on the schedule, and she goes in for maybe one of them. She's complaining she has no money anytime I ask her to help out with food, gas, or school, hasn't been paying me back for anything, and is positive she's going to make more off of unemployment. Not if you're filed as only working a few hours a week, Mom.
I can't believe I'm stuck in one of the few states that doesn't have emancipation.
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07:34 pm
[Link] | So, today's my brother's birthday and I'd been trying for the last few days to go pick up his gift--I live about 40 minutes from a shopping center other than Walmart, and on top of driving through a series of ice-covered mountains it really isn't a convenient trip to make. I happened to not have a car for a few days, and decided to go today. That's when my step-dad told me I couldn't go because if something happened, it was his insurance that would be hurt. It's my mom's insurance. In fact, my mom just had to change insurance companies because my step-dad was caught driving drunk for his 3rd time. He currently has no license, but I'm the one that puts the insurance at risk by driving? The roads were absolutely fine. I knew not to go too early and not to come back too late.
Anyway, I got my brother some cookware because he doesn't really have any practical items for when he moves out. I know my mom won't be giving him anything either.
Anyway, here are some things stuck in my head:
^^And I decided this was very enjoyable, and likely to be quite similar to any music video Alex and I would make.. if we ever did, y'know.
and I wasn't sure how to embed this, but it's a great song with fantastic lyrics.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c1fqup7QE5o
Current Mood:  cheerful
Current Music: Cash/Strummer Redemption Song
Tags: alexi murdoch, fleet foxes, music, story problem, the good life
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10:12 am
[Link] | "The light from the stars takes so long to reach us that sometimes a star will have expired by the time we can see it." "Some of these stars are dead?" "Nothing dies in the way that we think. Perhaps what really matters is that they are so beautiful, whether they are still awake or not"
(From "Where They Hide is a Mystery" in Simon Van Booy's Secret Lives of People in Love)
Tags: lives, love, secret, stars, van booy
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01:33 pm
[Link] | I'm receiving a 919.00 refund. I can repay my 750.00 personal loan. Then I will have $169 back to keep of $3715.00 I paid for tuition. That means I need a lot more before the Fall '09 semester.
...I wish somebody would hire me.
Monticello sucks.
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12:13 am
[Link] |
Do you really know where you are?
It's so frustrating being so far away. I never want to make plans with anybody because there's always a very good chance I'll have to break them. Unless it's a group engagement, that I know won't be broken on the other end, I have a hard time finding my way downstate.
It was nice to be at Brian's house this weekend. It was so comfortable. Patrick gave me a good cheering up at one point. I'm glad Pam and Evan really liked it, and our posed-candids came out perfectly.
I miss Katherine, and I can't wait to be moved in with Kacie. No more Roommate nightmares. No more sleeping in cars or invading someone else's suite when Chris comes up
My Uncle's having a destination wedding. He's my favorite relative on my dad's side but Italy's just too far out of my budget.
Tags: friends, roommate
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11:26 am
[Link] | The world needs to appreciate nice people a little bit more.
So many people want to be leaders where maybe it just isn't their business. I keep seeing the greatest people get walked all over.
I'm going to burn the bridges this year.
Tuesday Night was a lot of fun. I didn't like that James insisted on blocking my way unless I kissed him, and I think I insulted him, but oh well. It was nice to rekindle some friendships.
New Year's Eve was amazing. Everyone I haven't seen catapulted at me. It's been a long time since I've felt like I had genuine friends who truly missed me. Everyone kept complimenting me on how I looked, and that was really nice. We watched War, Inc. and got silly. Brian, Chris, and I had a semi-long talk and it was really good. I hope he gets to have his party tonight, because I really want to go.
Natalia wanted to go check out Brittany's party, so we went over. I got blown off a few times and saw some pretty weird things, but Chris got to see Aric and I got to see Katie, Viviana, Justin, Mike, Dave, and then a bunch of people from my class.
Brian, Chris, and I all left and went to drink some more. I got to taunt Alex with Julie and reminisce in memories that weren't mine with drunken adults.
I saw the people who I wanted to see, and didn't trade it up for the party where everyone was standing around just because that's where everyone else ended up, or because I wanted to flaunt anything and grab attention. I probably would have done that last year. But fuck it.
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07:49 pm
[Link] | *Crosses her fingers for tomorrow's party* I'll get to be BFF with Pamela. It'll be awesome.
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